I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
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I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE