Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for