I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
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@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
thank god
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.