I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
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{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.