I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
You Might Also Like
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout