I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
haha same
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.