I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Matthew was born for this.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks