I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
You Might Also Like
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong