Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
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I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
How does one answer this?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.