I am sick of seahorses being called horses. They are not horses. Let’s call them what they are; tiny fish lizards that stole my wife

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Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.


bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast


Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten


I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.


PSA: Don’t EVER let your printer know that you’ve waited until the last minute to print something out and you’re in hurry because they can sense fear.


doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password


2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.

2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.



If you drink a gallon of water per day, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy peeing.

Stay hydrated my friends.


H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.


Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.