Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

Saturday

And that about sums it up.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Just take a day off

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.