Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Covert ops

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.