If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
You Might Also Like
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”