I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
why would tinder want me to say this
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Tastes like chicken.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I love twitter
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait