I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
U talkin 2 me?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.