Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”