Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task