I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
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interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My first son he is wonderful
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Perfection.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
For the baby who has everything
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!