Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

May your day taste like creamy soup.