I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Note to self: I am a note
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
My dog learned how to text
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
#math
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
still the best tweet of the year by far
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.