I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
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Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
The Struggle
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I can’t stop laughing at this
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.