Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

10/10 no notes

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.