I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.