I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
found a horse’s reddit account
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
stop
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.