I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
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all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
That’s classic.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
what are they serving at kfc then???
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.