I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
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Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Home is where your toilet is.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT