I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.