I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
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Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
handsome & gretel
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
They did not miss in the small print
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME