I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
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I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”