I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
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I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
The glockness monster
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.