I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
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I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
