Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.