I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
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My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.