I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Oh no
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.