I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
That’s easy for you to say
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Labreador
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.