I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Thank you corporation very cool
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.