Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?