Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

I support this random dude and all his protests

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it