I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
incredible text to wake up to
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
life finds a way
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s