I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.