I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
mariah carrie
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food