Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.