i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
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I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
When he asks for feet pics
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.