i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
idk what this dog had been going through but same
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?