Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree