i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
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Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.