I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
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Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Damn he played himself
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Steam Forums
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.