I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
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“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
White Castle for the Win
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian