I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Tier 3 meme
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
At an art museum and I thought this was art
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Home is where your toilet is.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Covert ops