I am taking a vow of celibacy. I will not have any sex until somebody is willing to have sex with me. I stand firm on this.

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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward


my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog


If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.


When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”


Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…


Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one


Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
Me: …ok


I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving