“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I am taking a vow of celibacy. I will not have any sex until somebody is willing to have sex with me. I stand firm on this.
You Might Also Like
my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog
If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Well at least the company is owning its mistake
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving