my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
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convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
this is the best interaction on twitter
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Potatoes were such a good idea
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.