Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”