Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Webb. James Webb.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

sin harder.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that