I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
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“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
my mind
You just read my mind
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.