I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
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Always a housemaid, never a house.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
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Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.