Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.