Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”