I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
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A man of commitment.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Hero horse inspires millions
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.