I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
😤😤
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?