I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
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bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Nomnomnomnom
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?