I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Unimpressed
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.