Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.