I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what