I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂