I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.