Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic