I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.