Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”