I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
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It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.