I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
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… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
oh my gosh!!
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
The Weeknd is back
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”