Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem