Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

Twitter is an abusement park.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

me working on my assignments ^-^

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE