Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

hmm conte-me mais

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me: