I am thick and tired. 🙄
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[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
When someone trying to leave me
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer