I am thick and tired. 🙄
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me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
6: are snakes just neck?
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
The point of your 20s
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.