I am thick and tired. 🙄
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Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Wolves should really raise more people.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear