I am thick and tired. 🙄
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.