I am thick and tired. 🙄
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I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
sensitive skin
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.