I am thick and tired. 🙄
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The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.